Why Do You Want To Be Funny? Approval vs Connection in Your Sense of Humor
Have you ever asked yourself why you want to be funny?
Like, really asked. Where does that actually come from?
Most people never think about it. Being funny just feels good, so we chase it. You make your friends laugh at dinner, your family cracks up at your impression of your uncle, a coworker tells you that you should do stand up. It feels great. And at some point, you decide you want more of that.
That decision is a big one, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Because the reason behind it shapes everything. How you tell jokes, how you handle a joke that doesn’t land, how people feel around you, and whether they remember you after the laugh is over.
The Moment You Decide To Be Funny
Think back to the first times you made people laugh. Your friends lost it, it was great, and then everybody moved on with their night. But something in you said, “Let’s keep going.”
When you decide to be funny on purpose, you’re consciously telling yourself, “I want to be known for being funny.” There’s nothing wrong with that. Most comedians, writers, and naturally funny people made that decision at some point.
But here’s the catch. That decision can quietly make you forget what made those first laughs so special. It wasn’t the joke. It was the connection. It was you and your people sharing a moment that felt good. The laugh was just proof that you were all in it together.
When “being funny” becomes the goal, it’s easy to lose track of that. The focus shifts from the people in front of you to how you’re being seen.
Approval or Connection?
So here’s the question I want you to ask yourself. Do I want to be funny to get approval and validation? Or do I want to share meaningful experiences, especially fun laughs, with people?
Be honest. Most of us have a little of both. But one of them usually drives the car.
When approval is in charge, humor becomes self serving. You’re performing to be liked. Every joke is a little test of your worth. If people laugh, you feel good about yourself. If they don’t, it stings way more than it should. You might find yourself interrupting to get your bit in, forcing jokes into moments that don’t need them, or replaying conversations later wondering whether people thought you were funny enough.
When connection is in charge, humor becomes generous. You’re sharing something with people. You’re noticing what’s funny about the moment you’re all in, and you’re inviting everybody to enjoy it with you. If a joke doesn’t land, no big deal, because the point was never the score. The point was being together.
One of these is exhausting. The other one leaves a lasting impression.
Here’s a simple way to tell which one is driving. Think about the last time a joke of yours didn’t get a laugh. What happened inside you? If you felt a wave of embarrassment and spent the next ten minutes trying to win the room back, approval was probably in the driver’s seat. If you shrugged, laughed at yourself, and kept enjoying the conversation, that was connection. Neither answer makes you a bad person. It just tells you where to put your attention.
Why Connection Leaves a Lasting Impression
Think about the funny people you love the most. Comedians, friends, family members, whoever.
My guess is you don’t love them only because they’re clever. You love them because you feel something with them. When they make you laugh, it feels like they get you. Like they’re letting you in on something.
That’s the difference. People forget jokes all the time. They don’t forget how someone made them feel. When you lead with connection, people walk away feeling closer to you, not just entertained by you. That’s what makes someone want to hang out with you again, follow your work, or come back to your show.
And here’s the funny part. When you stop chasing approval, you usually end up getting more of it anyway. People can feel when someone needs the laugh. They can also feel when someone is just having fun with them. The second one is way more attractive.
Growing Your Comedy Capacity
I like to think of this as your comedy capacity. It’s not how many jokes you can tell. It’s how much room you have to actually share your sense of humor with people.
When your humor runs on approval, your capacity is small. Every situation feels risky, so you only feel funny in safe rooms with safe people.
When your humor runs on connection, your capacity grows. You can be playful with strangers, in meetings, on stage, in awkward moments, because you’re not trying to prove anything. You’re just sharing.
Here are a few ways to start shifting toward connection.
Check your why before you walk in. Before a party, a meeting, or a set, ask yourself what you actually want from the people there. If the honest answer is “I want them to think I’m funny,” try swapping it for “I want us to have a good time together.”
Make the moment the star. Instead of reaching for your best material, look for what’s funny about the situation everyone is sharing right now. Shared moments create shared laughs.
Laugh at other people’s jokes. Seriously. Connection goes both ways. Being a great audience is part of having a great sense of humor.
Notice how you feel after. When you leave a hangout feeling drained and anxious, approval was probably driving. When you leave feeling lighter and closer to people, that was connection. Pay attention to the difference.
Let a miss be part of the fun. When a joke doesn’t land, laugh at it with everybody. That’s connection too.
It Was Always About the People
The most important part of being funny was never the punchline. It was building the connection in the first place.
So ask yourself why you want to be funny. Not to judge yourself, just to get clear. Because once you know your why, you can choose to lead with the version that feels good for you and for everybody around you.
If you want help building a sense of humor that connects with people instead of chasing approval, reach out for comedy coaching and let’s work on it together.
